No expectation, no disappointment.

How time flies, I have been single for almost a year now. You see, there are a lot of friends asking me,

Well sadly, NO.

It's not that no one approached, there are few decent guys that I like, in fact there was this one guy I really liked but things didn't work out, due to distance and whatnot. I do not block my self from those emotion, intimacy sort of things but I guess I am simply not ready.

I've been through hell of a break up and I fell flat on my face several times, because I was expecting too much from the relationship, I loved that person hell much to realize that things were already broken, I put a lot of hope in something that i am not sure of. I did everything I can to make things work, and again with high expectation that things will not fall apart.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was devastated during the early stage of the break up, it was just a really dark time for me. I was too broken inside its beyond repair, and i don't know why, somehow i feel like im still not content, I don't feel whole. I was struggling, having to juggle between studies, dealing with pain and shame. It was definitely not easy. I realize now that my ex-boyfriend was never my property, and I can't make someone love me, or stay faithful to me if he choose the other way around. I have to live with the fact that we're not meant to be together. As simple as that.

As i moved on, I need to live up to other people's expectation.

" Jangan risau, nanti dapat lelaki yang lagi baik, lagi handsome, lagi kaya, lagi budiman, lagi berhati mulia, lagi comel, perfect, jalan tak kengkang, bulu hidung trim, tak curang, muscle kental."

Alhamdulillah. People are praying good things for me but it leaves me with thoughts that someday I must end up with this idea of perfect gentleman. So scary man, how do i find him?? It's unreal. Flaws make us real, make us who we are.

I spent a lot of time thinking about the future, will I ever find 'the right person', and all the what if-s.

"What if i end up alone?"

"What if 'my right person' never come find me?"

"What if i end up with Mr wrong and have to go through the break up again?"

Scary, I tell you.

It's okay, I figure that all I can do is improve myself, try to be a better person and leave everything in God's hand.

Long rant today. I just feel like i need to speak out, thats all.